October 21, 2006, Southbound Off the Coast of Baja on the Serenade of the Seas

Dominic was brought into my life to give me some incredible sexual excitement and very close personal companionship. The way our relationship began, the timing of it at the end of a mostly solo two-week sexual and scenic whirlwind, makes it seem like he was particularly put into my life for these reasons. I’ve always maintained that one of his strongest attributes was that he was always willing to do whatever and whenever anything I wanted to do. He was always there for me.

And still is.

But he’s not with me on this cruise, which I originally booked for the two of us. It was my decision to exclude him but this evening, on the first night out, I’m feeling lonesome and evil.

Nonetheless it was the right decision; a little tough, but the right one.

There is no reason why I should feel bad, but I do. Our relationship in the past four and half weeks since he returned from Florida deteriorated to the point where I no longer feel committed to a future with him. These problems have been going on for a long time before that trip.

He thinks the problem is my blowing up where I maintain I blow up because it’s the only way to communicate with him. It was just yesterday where he said this was what he hated about his growing up and he agreed that it is what he’s familiar with but I have no confidence that his saying this won’t take more blowing up in order for him to understand something.

Our relationship was not progressing. Despite therapy, lengthy discussions, separate places to live, communication was not getting any easier. The right words may have been said but the actions failed to live up to them.

I feel bad because I miss him and his companionship and because I took away something he wanted. I could have brought him along but I’m ready to move on. I’m not giving up, well, I am giving up, I have given up, on the relationship, but not the friendship.

I’ll leave open the possibility of a future together but I’m not looking for it.

So in the meantime despite feeling bad I need to turn these feelings around and look at the glass half-full: I have time to myself to slow down and meditate, read, watch a few movies; I’m on a boat full of men where I may make some new friends or something else; I’m healthy, attractive, with a great supportive network of friends and family including one on the boat; and my future, despite being almost 54, has a lot of great things coming: the house, job, family gatherings, trips with Dominic . . . other dates.

The feelings of lonesomeness and of having taken away something from someone, well, I’ll get over them. It’s stupid to let them get the better of me when I’ve got all these other things going on.

For right now, I am going to move on and just enjoy being with myself.

October 22, 2006 Southbound off Mainland Pacific Mexico

I was feeling hungry as I watched the servers bring out the cheeseburger and fries. But these plates were not for me even they were headed my way and this is what I had ordered. I caught the servers’ name tags as Nadim from India told Diego from Chile to take the food to another man opposite me across the deck. I would have to wait a little longer.

While I waited I looked back over the children’s pool. A bunch of guys, in their 30’s and 40’s, were sliding down the flumes of the children’s pool. The noise of a children’s pool was missing, it was eerily quiet for an active play area. The boys were also quiet, I think I was expecting a few shrieks here and there, I mean, how often do men their ages, probably liquored up, go down a water slide? Show me some feeling guys, you’re on vacation.

The boys had taken over a ship for a gay cruise and for eight days this is what it was probably going to be like to live in a gay man’s world. The staff of a big corporation, from all over the world, was catering to a clientele that was 99 percent gay. For eight days their world was at our feet. Their training and livelihoods was focused on how well they satisfied us and they were taking us on an exotic vacation liberated from the cares of everyday existence and putting us all together in luxurious close quarters.

Wow, a gay mans’ nirvana.

October 23, 2006

“We’ve been counting the days till you got here. Two cruises to go, one cruise to go, I’ve been looking forward to this, the energy you guys have, the parties, the music.” The skin technician was positively beaming as she said this.

As I was getting my first facial Emma couldn’t contain herself even though I’d asked her to explain every step of what she was doing to my face. The screening form asked what I’d hoped to get out of the facial and I put down “an education” but Emma was eager to explain what she’d hoped to get out of us.

Men holding hands with abandon, shirtless men kissing in corridors or while waiting for elevators, in the pool and Jacuzzi. Outfits on them that the staff were not accustomed to, especially those from third world countries. Let me leave out the outrageous parts until I’ve experienced them first hand but I’m sure that is part of the expectation and reality of a gay cruise.

I’ve heard that the alcohol consumption on a gay cruise increases four times and the food consumption halves as compared to a regular cruise. The hours and routines of a gay cruise ship are reversed from the normal.

After two and a half days at sea their world, and ours, had completely inverted itself.